Recognising when a child is being asked to keep unsafe secrets, whether by peers or adults, and how manipulation tactics work both online and offline.
An unsafe secret is one that makes a child feel worried, frightened, or uncomfortable. Abusers — both online and offline — often use secrecy as a tool to maintain control over a child. Teaching children the difference between a happy surprise and an unsafe secret is one of the most important protective measures a parent or carer can take.
Manipulators build trust with a child and then gradually introduce secrecy. They may start with small secrets ('this is just between us') and escalate over time. Online, this can happen through private messages and hidden apps. Offline, it may involve gifts, special treatment, or threats. The child is made to feel that telling someone would result in punishment, loss, or harm.
1. Teach the difference between safe surprises and unsafe secrets
Explain that a surprise (like a birthday present) is something that will eventually be shared and makes everyone happy. An unsafe secret is something that makes them feel worried or scared. If anyone asks them to keep an unsafe secret, they should always tell a trusted adult.
2. Establish a family rule that there are no secrets from parents
Make it clear that no adult or older child should ever ask them to keep a secret from their parents. Reinforce that they will never be in trouble for telling you something, even if someone has told them otherwise.
3. Practise saying no and seeking help
Role-play scenarios where your child practises saying 'I don't keep secrets from my mum/dad' and then telling a trusted adult. This builds confidence so they can act if the situation arises in real life.
Last reviewed: 2026-03-01