The school says they can't act because it happened outside school hours.

That is not the full picture under current UK guidance. Department for Education guidance on preventing and tackling bullying expects schools to address bullying between their pupils even when it happens off-site or online, where it affects the school environment. Put your concern in writing, ask for the school's anti-bullying policy, and escalate to the head teacher or governors if the head of year does not act.

Should I tell my child to leave all the group chats?

Not unilaterally. For older children, leaving feels like losing — even leaving a hostile chat. Offer it as one option among several (muting, hiding notifications, restricting people, taking a planned break). Let your child choose, so they are doing something rather than having something done to them.

Should I contact the other parents directly?

Usually not as a first step. Parent-to-parent contact in bullying cases often escalates because the other parent feels accused and defends their child. Go through school first — the school can speak to all the families involved without it becoming personal. Reserve direct parent contact for cases where you already have a good relationship with the other parent and trust them to react well.

Important

Your Child is Being Excluded From Group Chats

What to do when your child is being deliberately left out of group chats, removed from them, or talked about in chats they cannot see.

What might be happening

Your child has noticed they are not in a group chat that "everyone" is in, has been removed from one, or knows there is a chat where they are being talked about. This is sometimes called "social exclusion bullying" or "silent bullying" — it leaves almost no evidence and is often dismissed by adults as "just kids being kids," yet it is one of the most painful forms of peer cruelty because it isolates the child while everything looks fine on the surface. WhatsApp, Snapchat group chats, Discord servers, and Instagram "close friends" lists are the usual venues.

How serious is it?

Exclusion-based bullying is linked to higher anxiety, lower school attendance, and sleep problems — sometimes more than overt bullying, because the child cannot point to anything specific that has happened. The risk increases if the exclusion is sustained over weeks, if it is coordinated by a single ringleader, or if it spills into in-person behaviours at school. If your child is talking about feeling worthless, dreading school, or hurting themselves, the situation is urgent regardless of how "small" the trigger seems.

What to do first

Step 1

Take it seriously, out loud. "That sounds really hurtful — and it is real bullying even if no one is saying anything obvious." Validation is the first need before any problem-solving.

Step 2

Listen for the pattern, not just the incident. Is it one chat, or many? One ringleader, or a group? Has anything happened in person at school, or is it purely online? Knowing this shapes whether to involve school, the platform, or just support your child while it passes.

Step 3

Screenshot what you can — any message that confirms the chat exists, any reference to it on other apps, any in-person fall-out being mentioned in their other messages. Evidence is hard to come by in exclusion cases, so grab what is grabbable.

Step 4

Contact the school. UK schools are expected by Department for Education guidance to address bullying between their pupils that affects school life, including online behaviour outside school hours. Email the head of year with dates, screenshots, and what your child has experienced — written contact creates a record.

Step 5

Help your child rebuild outside the affected group. Encourage one-to-one friendships, a club or activity where the dynamic is different, and time off the apps where the chat lives — not as punishment, but as relief.

What to say

Phrases that help

"Being left out on purpose is bullying. It is not less serious because no one threw a punch."
"I believe you, and I am going to help — we will work out together what helps and what makes it worse."
"You do not have to be in every group to be okay. The people who are kind to you are the ones who matter."

What not to say

✗"Just ignore them, they'll get bored." — sometimes true, but said too early it tells the child you are not taking it seriously.
✗"Maybe you did something to upset them." — even if there is a back-story, this is not the moment for it.
✗"I'll message their parents right now." — direct parent-to-parent contact often escalates. Go through school in the first instance.

Settings to check

•On WhatsApp: Settings → Privacy → Groups → set to "My Contacts" or "My Contacts Except..." so your child cannot be added to (and then removed from) groups by people they barely know.
•On Snapchat: Settings → Privacy → Contact Me / See My Location → restrict to Friends. Review the Friends list together and remove anyone causing harm.
•On Instagram: switch to a private account if not already; restrict or mute the accounts of children involved (Restrict hides their interactions without notifying them, which is often less inflammatory than blocking).
•Use platform reporting tools for any specific incidents you have captured — WhatsApp, Snapchat, Instagram, and Discord all have reporting routes for bullying, and reports build a record even when nothing visible happens at first.
•Consider a temporary app break for the affected platform — frame it as a rest, not a punishment, and offer to do it with them so it feels less isolating.

When to escalate

If the school is not acting after a written complaint, escalate to the head teacher and then the school's governing body. If your child mentions self-harm or suicidal thoughts, contact your GP urgently or call 111; in immediate danger, call 999. The NSPCC helpline (0808 800 5000) supports parents through bullying cases and Childline (0800 1111) can talk to your child directly. If the exclusion includes threats, hate speech, or sharing of intimate content, it may cross into criminal territory and 101 / CEOP become the right routes.

Frequently Asked Questions

Last reviewed: 2026-05-17 · This page is educational guidance, not a substitute for emergency services, safeguarding professionals, or legal advice.

This is practical educational content to support families. For case-specific concerns about a child's safety, contact the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000 or your local safeguarding team.