Unsafe Secrets & Manipulation
Recognising when a child is being asked to keep unsafe secrets, whether by peers or adults, and how manipulation tactics work both online and offline.
What is this?
An unsafe secret is one that makes a child feel worried, frightened, or uncomfortable. Abusers — both online and offline — often use secrecy as a tool to maintain control over a child. Teaching children the difference between a happy surprise and an unsafe secret is one of the most important protective measures a parent or carer can take.
How it works
Manipulators build trust with a child and then gradually introduce secrecy. They may start with small secrets ('this is just between us') and escalate over time. Online, this can happen through private messages and hidden apps. Offline, it may involve gifts, special treatment, or threats. The child is made to feel that telling someone would result in punishment, loss, or harm.
Warning signs
In your child's behaviour
- • Becoming unusually secretive or anxious, particularly around certain people or after using a device
- • Receiving unexplained gifts, money, or phone credit
- • Using phrases like 'I promised not to tell' or 'I'll get in trouble if I say'
On their device
- • Hidden or locked apps, secret social media accounts, or messaging apps not previously installed
- • Deleting conversation histories immediately after chatting
- • Switching screens or hiding the device when a parent enters the room
Prevention steps
Teach the difference between safe surprises and unsafe secrets
Explain that a surprise (like a birthday present) is something that will eventually be shared and makes everyone happy. An unsafe secret is something that makes them feel worried or scared. If anyone asks them to keep an unsafe secret, they should always tell a trusted adult.
Establish a family rule that there are no secrets from parents
Make it clear that no adult or older child should ever ask them to keep a secret from their parents. Reinforce that they will never be in trouble for telling you something, even if someone has told them otherwise.
Practise saying no and seeking help
Role-play scenarios where your child practises saying 'I don't keep secrets from my mum/dad' and then telling a trusted adult. This builds confidence so they can act if the situation arises in real life.
What to do if it happens
- 1Listen calmly and without judgement. Thank your child for telling you and reassure them they have done the right thing.
- 2Record what your child tells you using their exact words. Do not ask leading questions or press for details beyond what they volunteer.
- 3Report the concern to your local children's services, the NSPCC helpline (0808 800 5000), or the police if the child is in immediate danger.
Related topics
If you need to report this
In immediate danger: call 999. For non-emergency police matters, call 101.
Concerned about a child but it's not an emergency? NSPCC helpline 0808 800 5000. Childline for young people 0800 1111.
This is practical educational content to support families. For case-specific concerns about a child's safety, contact the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000 or your local safeguarding team.
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Last reviewed: 2026-03-01