Unsafe Secrets & Manipulation

Myth: Some parents assume 'unsafe secrets' mainly refers to sexual abuse, so if a secret their child is asked to keep is about something else, such as hiding money, covering up a small injury, or not mentioning who bought them something, it doesn't need to be treated as seriously.

Fact: An unsafe secret is any secret that leaves a child feeling worried, frightened, or uncomfortable, whatever form of pressure or harm sits behind it, from financial or emotional manipulation to physical harm, so it is how the secret makes the child feel that matters, not which category it falls into.

Myth: Some parents think that if their child generally seems happy, confident, and is behaving normally, they can't currently be under pressure to keep an unsafe secret.

Fact: People who manipulate children typically build trust gradually and keep any change in behaviour small at first, so a child can still seem largely like themselves while being coerced into secrecy, which is why it helps to keep talking openly about secrets and surprises rather than waiting for obvious signs of distress before raising it.

Myth: Some parents think the best way to get a worried child to open up about a secret is to promise upfront, 'I won't tell anyone else, whatever it is,' so the child feels safe enough to talk.

Fact: NSPCC safeguarding guidance advises against promising a child complete confidentiality, because you may need to share what they tell you with someone else who can help protect them; the better approach is to explain honestly that you might need to tell another trusted adult to keep them safe, while reassuring them you will not share it with people who do not need to know.